just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
