thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How external is "for external use only"?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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