I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
