Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
