woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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