Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
