Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
