I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
