im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
