in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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