First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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