Pants 0. Shit 1.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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