Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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