do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
