I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
