Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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