dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
