I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Enjoy the penises
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I wear drunk well.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
