i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
