i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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