i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
