he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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