and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
