i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
