The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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