I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
