I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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