you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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