It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
