You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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