1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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