Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
