Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
