Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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