I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
