Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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