did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
