All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
