I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize