Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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