return my video game
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
