some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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