he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize