Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
