I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
