come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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