In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
