wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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