this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
