im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
