my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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