So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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