I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
