Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
