She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
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