I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
How's work?
Spinning.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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