I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
