I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
