Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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