My Higher Power is John Stamos
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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