It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he puts the penis in happiness.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
