I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
