If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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